How do our beliefs show up in our relationships? One way to know is how you feel about yourself in that relationship--not how you feel about the other person, how you feel about YOU.
Do you often end up feeling the same way in relationships, even if the names and faces change? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells, or are afraid your loved one might leave you? Are you tired of feeling criticized, like you have to do it all yourself, or of being afraid to ask for what you want? Perhaps you feel unimportant or that your needs don't matter. Even though the faces may change, the feelings remain the same, since they are generated by us in response to the person we are in a relationship with.
The bad news is--it's not about them. Really. Trying to change them won't make us feel better.
The good news is--it's not about them! This means we can stop our ongoing effort of trying to change THEM and bring our attention back to ourselves, where real change happens.
Most of us project our expectations onto those we are in relationship with. Those expectations are what we learned as children.
If we look inside, those feelings we have in our current relationships are ones we experienced as a child. Different circumstances, same feelings. It's the beliefs we learned as children that we project into our adult relationships that trigger those feelings once again.
If I believe I'm not OK just the way I am, I will attract relationships and situations that confirm my belief. I will find myself being criticized, judged or humiliated, and no amount of trying to change THEM will work. Until I find a way to own my belief, and change it to one that works for me, I'll keep having the same experience in relationships. Once I realize I'm OK just the way I am, THEY will start responding to me as if I am OK.
When we can see what is happening, we can stop taking things personally, knowing that we are all just projecting our own expectations onto others from the past, and those expectations often don’t have anything to do with the other person.
It really is about our relationship with ourselves. The beliefs I hold about myself will always show up in my relationships. It’s a great mirror.
What beliefs about yourself you are willing to challenge and change today?
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